I have been struggling with whether I should write this or not. This is a blog that is intended to be about my reinvention and the truth is it is not always easy. There is this part of me that is wanting to only write about the good stuff and pretend that this is easy but I think if I don't let you know I struggle that someone going through something like I am will feel like they failed or are failing.
I have spent most of my life believing I had to be strong and that translated to never cry, never complain and never let anyone think you are weak. I don't think I can take up crying at this stage of my life but I do get tired, angry and hopeless. I have days I just can't get up and get dressed and there are some days I just don't have enough fight in me to even try. I thought about it this way, you know that woman or friend that does nothing but talk about how perfect her kids are or how smart they are. They are just little angels and her husband is so amazing. Yeah, well we know, we know you are full of shit. Well if I don't tell you than I am full of shit.
The past few weeks have sucked! My left started swelling and I was getting horrible pain. I pratically went into a full blown panic attack screamin at my husband to get my shoe off. When he was taking it off the pain was insane. I have been in so much pain that I am screaming at times. I blame the weather but whatever it is it sucked, it does suck. Getting up is a battle, hell who would want to go through day after day of pain and you can get lost in it. Im angry because it just isn't fair. I try to live my life as a good person so why do I keep getting punished, why does it keep getting worse? Tomorrow I will have to get up and forgive myself for this stumble.
I will have to stop dwelling and I will get back into life for my daughter and my husband, later it will be for me. It's not easy, there is no answer to why bad things happen and I won't tell you it happens for a reason or its part of God's plan because thats bull shit and if you are like me it pisses you off when people say that hallmark empty dribble. It's not fair, we can't control it all we can do is try to live the life we have to the fullest. Loss is a part of life and as we get older we become more familiar with it.
Allow yourself to grieve it's healthy whether it is a medical issue, divorce, loss of a husband or God forbid a child just don't get lost in it. If not for yourself than for your familly and friends get back up. The pain won't magically go away, your loss won't suddenly stop hurting. Along the way you will stumble, you will get the air knocked out of you and the pain will come back it will wash over you it could be a set back or a smell and you are there again. It's ok you are allowed to fall along the way it doesn't make you weak it makes you human. Forgive yourself and just get back up you will see eventually the falls won't be as big and getting back up will get easier. I believe something good is right around the corner I just have to look for it.
My fellow RSD survivors
My friends and people I have met along the way
Mandy who suffered more loss in a short period of time and still gets up and finds a way to smile. She is an inspiration and one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. I think about her a lot, she is my strength when I am too tired.
Fellow High School Alum, Dan who conquered addiction and changed his entire life. Going back to college and rebuilding his life he is an inspiration and I am positive he will save someone from going down that path
Katie G who has been struggling with an autoimmune disorder and has had several life threatening flare ups but she keeps fighting. I don't know how she does it the only thing I can think of is she's just too damn stubborn to let anything keep her down for too long.