I have written, erased, rewritten, lost it in a computer crash, rewritten, edited, erased and rewritten this post, agonizing over whether I should or shouldn't write it for months. Yes, I know it is a blog which by definition means I am opening a part of my life for others to see but we never show everybody everything but this is in line with the part of my life that started this whole thing in the first place. Here I am talking in circles, rambling trying to find the right words or the right way to convey it. This is my journey, my new path after the road I was on became a dead end and I have been so honored to recieve emails and messages from people all over the world telling me how I am inspiring them but the past few months I have feel like a fraud. I thought I was finding my new path, that I was beating this and finding a new life in spite of what happened to me but for the past month I've just been lying down and letting it happen to me.
I've always been a very strong woman, I raised my daughter on my own and when things got hard I just worked harder. I got a second job if we needed more money, I moved if where I lived was an issue and if I wasn't happy with my position in life I changed it so I honestly didn't have much compassion for people that didn't just 'fix it'. I got RSD so I started a blog, I changed my diet and I exercised because that's what I do, I take control but two months ago I lost. My RSD spread in spite of all of my valliant efforts and there isn't anything I can do to change it. I went to the doctors looking for a new medication or treatment and they had nothing. I have been in so much pain everyday and the only way I can come close to explaining it to you is to imagine you were in labor everyday only at the end of it no one hands you a beautiful baby. Instead you just get the pain. For the first time in my life I know what it feels like to have no hope and just how lonely that feels.
There are a few things I have learned in this life and I want to make sure I make this clear because although my 'pain' is due to an illness it does not qualify me to corner the market on loss. I say this because I want to make sure that anyone that feels hopeless understands that their pain is justified regardless of how big or small it may seem to them or others. I have spent the past month either lying in bed or on my sofa just hoping the hand of God would come down and take me home. I've been so tired of fighting this battle that clearly I am not winning. My typical get up and get fully dressed has been a thing of the past replaced by flannel pj's and slippers. I avoid mirrors because I know I don't know this version of me and I don't want to know her. So here I am, a fraud, a shell of who I once was with this blog about surviving and reinventing yourself lying on the sofa hiding. There is this moment, a moment where you get sick and tired of being sick and tired but how, how am I going to get back in the mist of all of this shit. RSD, several court cases and all of these balls in the air where do I start?
Truth is I have no idea, I know that I don't want to be this person but I just can't get myself up there is just too much pushing me down. I start with listening to my persona, Reinventing Carrie, what would she tell me to do. She would tell me that there are going to be pot holes and sometimes you need to ask for a little help. She would tell me to see a doctor and get some help because there is nothing wrong with or weak about needing help. So I listned to her and I went to my doctor. She gave me a prescription for an antidepressant, just enough to help me, help myself. I wish I would have done this a month ago, I've lost so much time wallowing in my shit show of a life. I have to forgive myself, because I am only human and I have had a lot on my plate so I fell. If you know me, Reinventing Carrie me not this one, the one that can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel you know my motto, it's not the fall that defines us but how we get back up. Today I am still in pain, walking is still difficult but for the first time in a month I am not lost in the pain and I know tomorrow will be a little better.
Although I am just posting this today I actually wrote it a month ago, that should show you just how hard this post was for me. My situation with my RSD has not improved but my emotional health has improved greatly. I have hope that tomorrow will be better and I am finding a way to be happy in spite of it. Writing this was extremely difficult, it is embarrassing and a sign of weakness that I am not comfortable with sharing but if it can help one person it is worth it. If I didn't share it and painted this pretty picture of RSD could I hurt someone else's on their journey? I ultimately decided it would be irresponsible to not share this very real part of my journey as it is not an unusual thing, after all RSD is also called the suicide disease.