The Question, Quantity or Quality?
Typically this question would follow with a discussion of the capsule wardrobe but today it is about life. What would you prefer, quantity or quality? This is question that has been weighing heavily on me for the past month after my RSD traveling to my back and my pain levels increasig. For me a life lying on the sofa all day is not much of a life and lately I'm spending 5 days a week unable to get out of bed. Today I went to see my doctor and hopefully find a way to manage my pain better which didn't leave me with much hope. I am going to switch from percocet to morphine but apparently there are no pharmacies in the St. Louis area that carry morphine so I have to wait a week to get it, frustration keeps coming. This is not a cure, this will not 'fix' me so back to the question, quantity or quality.
I am asking myself this because I am considering going to Mexico and trying a ketamine coma which is very risky but does the benefit out wiegh the risk? After a lot of research, over the past 2 years the truth is there is not enough information or studies to really get a clear idea on what the benefits really are. Some say 80% will come out of the coma virtually pain free while others say only 50% will get any relief from their pain. Ok but 50% is still better than 0% which is what I have now with any where from 25 to 75% relief. Some reports say it lasts forever or until you get injured in which case it will probably come back and others say it will only last 6 to 48 months. Again I would kill for one day right now. They all say you have to get ketamine boosters to keep the effect going. It all sounds amazing but what is the down side because there is always a cost.
The cost is a downside, it is not covered by insurance and you are in a coma, in ICU hooked up to breathing machines and what not so not cheap but there are other costs (150,000.00). HPPD, it is damage to the frontal lobe typically happens to LSD users that basically causes hallucinations for the rest of your life, maybe they are good hallucinations? Death, you are pumping your body for 5 to 7 days with high doses of ketamine. You could get infection, liver damage, breathing complications or countless other issues. Coming out of the coma is very dangerous and scary with severe hallucinations that could cause a stroke or heart attack. You may not be able to get out of the coma. You could have severe memory loss, I could lose a few memories but I don't think I get to chose which ones I keep. I read a story about a guy that woke up and had no pain but then got the swine flu while at the hospital in Mexico and the RSD came back which would be devastating. You have to go out of the country, Mexico and Germany are the only countries that allow this procedure but it looks like Germany has stopped. Than there is the wait, the wait list is 2 years, 2 fucking years, seriously. So again quantity or quality?
I am leaning towards quality and doing the ketamine coma. My daughter is graduating high school and will be off to college this fall so I feel that I can consider this option. Of course, I have to take into consideration her feelings which right now she is absolutely against it but when it comes to the people we love we choose quantity. It's a selfish thing but completely natural after all she is still a kid and her father hasn't really been involved in her life so for her the idea of losing me is extremely hard. From my point of view she has already lost me to RSD, I am just lying on the sofa, I am not really here. I feel like a shadow, I am just watching, I am not involved at least not in a tangible way. I can't imagine living the next 40 years in this much pain, the pain is unbearable like nothing you could imagine and it is relentless. I am living in a prison and if there is a chance I could get out of this prison even if it is for only 6 months I have to try.
CRPS/RSD is an autonomic disorder, auto immune disease, neuropathic pain and degenerative. There is no cure for this disease and although it was first seen during the Civil War very little is known about it. The best chance of remission is in the first 3 months of onset but it can take years to even get a diagnosis because very few doctors even know what it is. It typically effects woman between 35 and 40 but anyone can get CRPS/RSD. Although rare children and teens can get this disease. Simply put your Central Nervous System over reacts to pain and it keeps sending pain signals long after the injury has healed but it does have very real physical effects including atrophy, skin changes, bone loss and several other secondary issues that are caused by CRPS/RSD. The symptoms to name a few are severe, intense, unrelenting pain, swelling, edema, changes in blood flow and involountary movemet. Allodynia is another symptom that effects your quality of life which is extreme sensitivity in your skin. A cotton ball can feel like sand paper, itching your skin can feel like your skin is being cut as well as being set on fire, which really sucks if you have neuropathic itch like I do and a shower can feel like razor blades on your skin. The quality of life for the RSD/CRPS patient is greatly diminished which is why it is also known as the suicide disease.